LORD enable me to live and fight bravely for anything You tell me

So I was reading through a journal from 2002 that quoted an earlier entry, saying "I am done seeking my own. I will live and fight for nothing unless You tell me to." It seems humble and devoted and all, but what's in it is a vow - "I will...blah, blah, blah." This vow is part of why I feel like I have no passion. For anything. It's like I said "God, I'm going to sit here on the couch until You move me." Yeah, that's been effective. So I repented, asked for a crop failure on what I had sown, and opened my eyes literally expecting to see something different in the room - like when Michael J. Fox wakes up and walks into the dining room only to see his (formerly pizza delivery) brother wearing a suit and his parents to walk in from playing tennis looking hip and attractive...and celebrating receiving his Dad's new book from the publisher - like what I did and dealt with in the past effected change that is visible in the now.

I think the root of the problem of the "I will" statement is that it doesn't need God. Like the guy who says "I will never be like my Dad" and then ends up just like him because he's made judgements against him. What you sow in judgment you will reap in consequences. Romans 2:1 states:

Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.

So instead, we should say "LORD please help me to not be like my Dad" or whatever. In my case, I've changed the original statement to "LORD enable me to live and fight bravely for anything You tell me." As He speaks to my heart, I rely on Him for strength, for direction, for strategy...but W/we partner. The dreams that are in my heart, the desires are kind of like this - like one of the ways to hear God for today is to look at how He spoke in the past (read: the Bible), so another way of hearing what God is saying to ME today is to look at the dreams and desires He put in my heart when He created me. That's so exciting!!! Hooray LORD!

And just for the record, here are excerpts from the original journal entries:

(in the midst of a painful girl-thing)

"It feels like I am done with my life. There’s nothing I want to accomplish anymore…and I don’t know if this is the place of ultimate ambition consecration, where REALLY all I want is Him and His will, or if my dreamer and hoper is broken…and I need healing. It feels like for the first time I could honestly proclaim with the Psalmist “whom have I in heaven but You, and I desire nothing on the earth.” It’s a feeling of what’s left here on earth for me? There’s nothing I really want. She was it. And it’s not that she’s gone, I still believe we are supposed to end up together (and that feels different than ‘I believe we are GOING to end up
together – it’s still a ‘do I trust in God and what I believe He said’ issue), but I know the journey is long and I don’t know if I’m up to it…if I have it in me. How long can a dead man breathe? How long can a hoper defer? How long can a dreamer lie awake? But how big will my faith in God be if I hang on to His word and His word alone? No other promises, no other hopes, no other clues…only Him. Is this the REAL manifestation of ‘for me to live is Christ and to die is gain’? Or am I injured and in need of a hospital stay and some long-term physical therapy? Or is it merely a process God is taking me through to get at the deeeeeeeeepest recesses of my heart? Please speak soon!

I am done seeking my own. I will live and fight for nothing unless You make the call."

In the next post, I'll share one of my worship responses to this season...a la psalmist lament