The Kingdom of God is like...

Mark 4:26-29 reads:

Then Jesus said, "God's kingdom is like seed thrown on a field by a man who then goes to bed and forgets about it. The seed sprouts and grows—he has no idea how it happens. The earth does it all without his help: first a green stem of grass, then a bud, then the ripened grain. When the grain is fully formed, he reaps—harvest time!

And before that was the parable of the sower, and in verses 18-19, I read Jesus' explanation:

"Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful."

My mind went to my anxiety about leading worship at St. Paul's - knowing I need to lead more songs that are in the tradition of the [black Baptist] church [per the pastor's request]. I feel pretty inadequate to do that in general, and even more this week when I must lead from the piano since I just had my appendix removed this week. But I'm irritated because VERY FEW people show up for rehearsal and because I can't get any information about where the church is going from the pastor ["we're in transition" is all I get]. Today, I also am preparing a list to lead at Grandview UMC next week when we get back from vacation. And I need to help with Camp Hill Church of God's list for this week and next. All the while my heart just wants honest, intense, prophetic worship to be alive in the hearts of all the worshippers I'm influencing. It's a tall order, no doubt ["but God said, 'are you not well able?!'"].

So how does this tie in with the scriptures? When preparing to lead worship, just scatter seed, Dave, and expect the Kingdom to grow on its own. By no means let anxiety make you unfruitful.

Yes, Lord. I trust You. Help me walk in Your way!

Living connected to my heart

How does leading worship and loving my wife and living my calling look differently when I live connected to my heart and open about my heart. Super-human [read: supernatural human] No more shut down, desire denying, cerebral existence. God-guided, heart-led, emotionally-felt LIFE. Ahh.

Leading worship: When I connect to my heart, I connect with God - because He lives in my heart. I'm intimate, purposeful, Kingdom-minded.

Loving my wife: I can't really connect to someone's heart if I'm not connected to my own. My relationship will go nowhere until we live connected to [sensitive to, pursuing of, guarding of] each other's hearts.

Living my calling: It's the energy. ABOVE ALL...guard your heart. What does it look like to "guard" it? It doesn't look like stuffing it. It certainly isn't ignoring it. So, listening to it, expressing it, leading it and letting it lead you.

I delight in You

So I was worshipping this morning and I began to sing "I delight in You, I delight in You, I delight in You." And I felt the LORD ask "why?" It felt just like when Heather asks me the same thing...why do you like me?

I started to sing about how I would do anything He asked...because He is trustworthy. About how I never have to worry about His heart drifting from mine...because He is faithful. Now I think about why I delight in Him and I think how we've walked together for a long time and closely...because He is a great friend. And how His love is pure, undefiled, inalterable. There's no high like the Most High. [I still want to write that song!]

Interestingly, nothing about His holiness, justice, beauty, worth, or power came to mind. What does that say?

You can't just follow your heart. You have to lead it!

hmmm. from fireproof.

I Will Swing

Where were the God moments? Where was Living Praise? Did praise happen? Could praise happen? What if it did? Were opportunities missed? Was praise just beneath the surface? Could it be a flood?

Maybe it’s just dammed?

Maybe if the dam burst we would drown in it. Do we dare pick up a sledgehammer and start swinging? It could be difficult. It could wear at you. This could be hard labor. I don’t know if I have the back for it. And I think I like my water in smaller doses. I like the sound of the drip.

But there is cracking in my lips and they bleed when I smile. My hands are dry to the touch. So dry I can’t feel them anymore.

[ ]

Pick it up? It is needed? It is what is necessary?

[ ]

I want to drown. I want a different air than what I’ve been breathing. I will swing. I will swing with all my might. I will swing until there is the sound of breaking.

I will swing. Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over…

[from PRAISE HABIT by David Crowder, pg. 19]

Big Ears

and I'm not referring to US President Obama, though every time I see him will serve as a reminder of this rev...Listen to the Holy Spirit of God in new ways, to hear new things. Like the relatively prominent acoustic guitar part in the song Hungry that I've never heard before. I won't be able to listen to the song without hearing it. It reminds me to listen with new ears. Today, I lead worship at St. Paul's Missionary Baptist Church for the first time and I want to listen in new ways. I'm pumped! Help me LORD...

My Top Five Values are…

1. Sold-out lover of God, Make Him famous, Feel Him close as my skin
2. Human relational connection
3. Intimate family relationships
4. Music-drenched everything
5. Debt-free giver

I wrote these in my FIVE book from Starbucks and today I printed them and posted them on my office wall. Abundant crops, LORD!

Typewriter - it's a new line baby!

So last night I was rehearsing for the first time at a church that I'm partnering with for 3 months and they brought some songs to do and I brought some songs. Well the 3 songs from their "A list" were Forever, Your Love Oh Lord, and Take My Life (Holiness). I'm pretty sure I haven't led Take My Life since college days with IVCF and here I am leading a beginner band (talented, but undeveloped and stuck in the "playing stuff the way I can rather than adjusting my playing style to fit the song" rut). If feels like I haven't played with this kind of team for a long time (at least not on a regular basis). But then it hits me...words from Dale Mast's prophetic word to me on August 5, 2003:

When I started praying in the Spirit I saw your hand go up touching a very archaic instrument called the typewriter and you know how you used to shove the carriage tray back so you could type another line. I felt like the hand of God was shoving you back to what you felt like was “start” but God said, “We’re on a different line, and it’s a different message, and I’m doing a different thing that I’m writing on your heart and on your life”. While you might feel like, Lord, I feel like I’m going all the way back to the beginning, God said, “Do not confuse this; that you have gone to another level”. And now it’s talking about training you in another dimension.

huh. Same caliber of team as way back in the way back, yet my role is COMPLETELY different. I am here to train (as an experienced musician and band leader) these talented, but "un-honed for modern worship" musicians. That's my role - not just to be a space filler on a Sunday, but to take them to another level, one step at a time. (they don't have to make huge leaps, Dave, just steps). LORD, help me do that well!

I just love recognizing the realization of a word...

real life. hard realities. defining moments. real worship.

This is from a journal entry on December 7, 2000.

I love worshipping with blind trust…when I can’t yet see the dawn, when I can’t yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, when I can’t even see the horizon, the clearing in the woods, the reason why, the answer to my cry or question, when I feel lonely, abandoned, confused, when nothing yet makes sense, when things aren’t going my way, when what I believe God said (from my own perspective) hasn’t been accomplished, before things are complete, before things are all wrapped up and either back to normal or well on their way, before the breakthrough, in the darkest part of the night, when everything in me cries out that it’s okay for me to wallow in self-pity because I deserve to, because the current situation is unfair, tough, painful, or unbelievably hard…it’s real, honest worship.

I am learning the Paul&Silas worship – beaten and stifled in ministry because they’re in freaking prison; the David cave worship – when he’s in fear of losing his very life…all he holds dear; it’s Abraham on the mountain about to offer his only son’s life as worship to God – can you imagine HIS anxiety and questioning of God at a moment like that? And YET he obeys; it’s Noah going ahead to carry out a plan that means YEARS of ridicule as he follows what he knows God has said to him (obedience is one of the highest forms of worship); John the Baptist devotes his ENTIRE LIFE to setting the stage for someone else (yeah, it’s the Messiah and all, but that doesn’t remove his feelings through that process) – this is selfless love and devotion to God – it’s true worship; Job (Oh my God!) stalwart of heart, one by one, everything he loves is destroyed – notice that even as GOD takes the pictures of the ones he loves off the walls of his life, his heart posture remains one of trust and worship – I will not forsake my God for He will never forsake me, I CAN TRUST HIM! Dave, you’re in good company! Rejoice! They are cheering you on! Go for it – take the steps you hear God calling you to and don’t look back or worry about God not covering your back. It is impossible for Him to be unfaithful to you. It’s impossible for Him to lie and He said he would be faithful…so there’s no way!

LORD enable me to live and fight bravely for anything You tell me

So I was reading through a journal from 2002 that quoted an earlier entry, saying "I am done seeking my own. I will live and fight for nothing unless You tell me to." It seems humble and devoted and all, but what's in it is a vow - "I will...blah, blah, blah." This vow is part of why I feel like I have no passion. For anything. It's like I said "God, I'm going to sit here on the couch until You move me." Yeah, that's been effective. So I repented, asked for a crop failure on what I had sown, and opened my eyes literally expecting to see something different in the room - like when Michael J. Fox wakes up and walks into the dining room only to see his (formerly pizza delivery) brother wearing a suit and his parents to walk in from playing tennis looking hip and attractive...and celebrating receiving his Dad's new book from the publisher - like what I did and dealt with in the past effected change that is visible in the now.

I think the root of the problem of the "I will" statement is that it doesn't need God. Like the guy who says "I will never be like my Dad" and then ends up just like him because he's made judgements against him. What you sow in judgment you will reap in consequences. Romans 2:1 states:

Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.

So instead, we should say "LORD please help me to not be like my Dad" or whatever. In my case, I've changed the original statement to "LORD enable me to live and fight bravely for anything You tell me." As He speaks to my heart, I rely on Him for strength, for direction, for strategy...but W/we partner. The dreams that are in my heart, the desires are kind of like this - like one of the ways to hear God for today is to look at how He spoke in the past (read: the Bible), so another way of hearing what God is saying to ME today is to look at the dreams and desires He put in my heart when He created me. That's so exciting!!! Hooray LORD!

And just for the record, here are excerpts from the original journal entries:

(in the midst of a painful girl-thing)

"It feels like I am done with my life. There’s nothing I want to accomplish anymore…and I don’t know if this is the place of ultimate ambition consecration, where REALLY all I want is Him and His will, or if my dreamer and hoper is broken…and I need healing. It feels like for the first time I could honestly proclaim with the Psalmist “whom have I in heaven but You, and I desire nothing on the earth.” It’s a feeling of what’s left here on earth for me? There’s nothing I really want. She was it. And it’s not that she’s gone, I still believe we are supposed to end up together (and that feels different than ‘I believe we are GOING to end up
together – it’s still a ‘do I trust in God and what I believe He said’ issue), but I know the journey is long and I don’t know if I’m up to it…if I have it in me. How long can a dead man breathe? How long can a hoper defer? How long can a dreamer lie awake? But how big will my faith in God be if I hang on to His word and His word alone? No other promises, no other hopes, no other clues…only Him. Is this the REAL manifestation of ‘for me to live is Christ and to die is gain’? Or am I injured and in need of a hospital stay and some long-term physical therapy? Or is it merely a process God is taking me through to get at the deeeeeeeeepest recesses of my heart? Please speak soon!

I am done seeking my own. I will live and fight for nothing unless You make the call."

In the next post, I'll share one of my worship responses to this season...a la psalmist lament

Daily Prayer from Waking the Dead

Sweet Lord Jesus, I come to You now to be restored in You—to renew my place in You, my allegiance to You, and to receive from You all the grace and mercy I so desperately need this day. I honor You as my sovereign Lord, and I surrender every aspect of my life totally and completely to You. I give You my body as a living sacrifice; I give You my affection, ambition, attitude, and activity; and I give You my spirit as well. I cover myself with Your blood—my spirit, my soul, and my body. And I ask Your Holy Spirit to restore my union with You, seal me in You, and guide me in this time of prayer. In all that I, David Michael, now pray, I include my family: Heather Nichole, Aspen Henry, and Clementine Gabrielle. Acting as their head, I bring them under my authority and covering, and I come under Your authority and covering. Holy Spirit, apply to them all that I now pray on my behalf.

holy and victorious Trinity, You alone are worthy of all my worship, my heart’s devotion, all my praise and all my trust and all the glory of my life. I worship You, bow to You, and give myself over to You in my heart’s search for life. You alone are Life, and You have become my Life. I renounce all other gods, all idols, and I give You the place in my heart and in my life that You truly deserve. I confess that it is all about You, God, and not about me. This is Your day, Your life, I’m Your man. You are the Hero of this story, and I belong to You. Forgive me, God, for my every sin. Search me and know me and reveal to me any aspect of my life that is not pleasing to You, expose any agreements I have made, and grant me the grace of a deep and true repentance.

Heavenly Father, thank You for loving me and choosing me before You made the world. You are my true Father—my Creator, my Redeemer, my Sustainer, and the true end of all things, including my life. I love You; I trust You; I worship You. Thank You for proving Your love for me by sending Your only Son, Jesus, to be my substitute and representative. I receive Him and all His life and all His work, which You ordained for me. Thank You for including me in Christ, for forgiving me my sins, for granting me His righteousness, for making me complete in Him. Thank You for making me fully alive with Christ, raising me with Him, seating me with Him at Your right hand, granting me His authority, and anointing me with Your Holy Spirit. I receive it all with thanks and give it total claim to my life.

Jesus, thank You for coming for me, for ransoming me with Your own life. I honor You as my Lord; I love You, worship You, trust You. I receive You as my redemption, and I receive all the work and triumph of Your crucifixion, through which I am cleansed from all my sin through Your shed blood, my old nature is removed, my heart is circumcised unto God, and every claim being made against me is disarmed. I take my place in Your cross and death, in which I have died with You to sin and to my flesh, to the world, and to the Evil One. I am crucified with Christ, and I have crucified my flesh with all its passions and desires. I take up my cross and crucify my flesh with all its pride, unbelief, and idolatry. I put off the old man. I put off the old man. I now bring the cross of Christ between me and all people, all spirits, all things. Holy Spirit, apply to me the fullness of the work of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ for me. I receive it with thanks and give it total claim to my life.

Jesus, I also receive You as my new life, my holiness and sanctification, and I receive all the work and triumph of Your resurrection, in which I have been raised with You to a new life, to walk in newness of life, dead to sin and recklessly alive to God. I am crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. I now take my place in Your resurrection, through which I have been made fully alive with You. I reign in life through You. I now put on the new man, yes I now put on the new man, in all holiness and humility, in all righteousness and purity and truth. Hooray! Christ is now my Life, the One who strengthens me. Holy Spirit, apply to me the fullness of the resurrection of Jesus Christ for me. I receive it with thanks and give it total claim to my life.

Jesus, I also receive You as my authority and rule, my everlasting victory over Satan and His kingdom, and I receive all the work and triumph of Your ascension, through which Satan has been judged and cast down, His rulers and authorities disarmed, all authority in heaven and on earth given to You, Jesus, and I have been given fullness in You, the Head over all. I take my place in Your ascension, through which I have been raised with You to the right hand of the Father and established with You in all authority. I bring Your authority and Your kingdom rule over my life, my family, my household, and my sphere of influence. And now I bring the fullness of Your work—Your cross, resurrection, and ascension—against Satan, against His kingdom, and against all His emissaries and all their work warring against me and my sphere of influence. Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. Christ has given me authority to overcome all the power of the Evil One, and I claim that authority now over and against every enemy, and I banish them in the name of Jesus Christ. Holy Spirit, apply to me the fullness of the work of the ascension of Jesus Christ for me. I receive it with thanks and give it total claim to my life.

Holy Spirit, I receive You as my Counselor, my Mentor, my Comforter, my Strength, and my Guide. Thank You for sealing me in Christ. I honor You as my Lord, and I ask You to lead me into all truth, to anoint me for all of my life and walk and calling and destiny, and to lead me deeper into Jesus today. I fully open my life to You in every dimension and aspect—my body, my soul, and my spirit—choosing to be filled with You, to walk in step with You in all things. Apply to me, super Holy Spirit, all of the work and all of the gifts in Pentecost. Fill me afresh, delicious Holy Spirit, with Your fiery Dunamis [power for performing miracles, moral power and excellence of soul, the power and influence which belong to riches and wealth, power and resources arising from numbers, power consisting in or resting upon armies, forces, hosts.] I receive You with thanks and give You total claim to my life.

Heavenly Father, thank You for granting to me every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies in Christ Jesus. I ask the Holy Spirit to bring all those blessings into my life this day and I receive them. Help me to receive Your love and give it away. Thank You for the blood of Jesus. It washes me from every sin and stain and evil device. I put on Your armor—the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the readiness of the gospel of peace, the helmet of salvation. I take up the shield of faith and the sword of the Spirit, the very Word of God, and I brandish these weapons against the Evil One in the power of God. I choose to pray at all times in the Spirit, to be strong in You, Lord, and in Your might.

Father, thank You for Your ministering angels. I call for them in the authority of Jesus Christ and release them to war for me and my household. May they guard us at all times this day. Life. Hope. Peace. Joy. Thank You for those who pray for me; I confess I need their prayers, and I ask You to send forth the Holy Spirit of God and rouse them, unite them, raising up the full canopy of prayer and intercession for me. I call forth the kingdom of the Lord Jesus Christ this day throughout my home, my family, my life, and my sphere of influence. I pray all of this in the name of Jesus.

God, You are community. Come and build a family around us. Compel us to invest our lives in close journey mates who bring out the best in us and who will change the world with us. Build every detail of it, construct it, guide it, inspire it, lead it. We need friends. Strengthen our marriage. Let no foxes come in. Build our family. And God, I want to feel you closer than my skin. I want our relationship to be intimate. I want us to be good band mates. The affection runs deep…


Adapted from the book Waking the Dead by John Eldridge

The Morning After

So yesterday sucked. It seemed like we kept arguing and me with my cause of reclaiming my heart and living with emotion...well, I kept being like "I'm not taking any shit from you, this is how it is, now piss off." yeah, not exactly an attitude conducive to a healthy, loving marriage. And that's my challenge - to dream, desire, feel, emote with BOUNDARIES. I kept expressing my new-born desires without consideration for Heather's feelings. And what's worse is that we keep communicating like we want to be communicated with, not how the other person wants to be communicated with. I external process and have ideas and nothing is set until we actually say "yes we agree, this is what we're doing" or whatever. Heather, as a D, takes things (and I think wants things) completed upon initial presentation. Specifically, I mentioned some of the plans that were taking shape for my birthday which she took as what I was definitely doing for my birthday. Add to that a couple of colossal miscommunications of those details (i.e. I was referring to the evening, she thought I was talking about the morning), and the emotions were intense. She felt desperate, I felt dream-dashed. Of course, this current season holds temporary, yet immense restraints - she can't be away from Clementine for more than 3 hours (feeding) and we have no option for one person putting both kids to bed, so the latest one of us can be out is no later than 9:00 PM.

So what did i learn?

1. Living with emotion, from my heart, does NOT equal "youngest child temper tantrums" are acceptable.
2. Heather is my little ewe lamb and I want to treat her with tender love
3. I must learn to speak in her language and within her culture. What does this mean? Don't just spout out ideas for stuff unless I've prefaced it with something like "would it be possible to..." or "what do you think about this possibility..." Overall, make sure that I PHRASE things as questions and make it CLEAR that it's not already a fact. Basically, Heather can't read my mind and my intentions, no matter how many times I try to tell her that I'm just talking, nothing's decided yet. I must speak her language! (a small cost for the woman I love!)
4. Give her space. It's as important as taking a crap. I always make room for that! I need to be proactive in giving that to her. Perhaps I can just give her an automatic 10 minute break when I need one from work.

So, it's a tricky place, this learning to live with passion with boundaries. I don't think I've ever lived there. I need You! Please anoint me for this and help me to be humble and to obey quickly as I listen to you. My heart and life is in Your hands.

Opening Thoughts

My goal is simple. Live from my awakened heart. Take steps to ensure my heart is always alive and that I'm in touch with it. I've looked over journals from the past 10 years and I see this pattern - one where I'm searching for passion, looking for my heart. I've thought the answer would be found in God healing me in one zap. But it's not so much that I need to be healed (just like a runner doesn't need healing to get his wind, he just needs to practice and build stamina), I NEED TO SOW INTO MY HEART. Take the time and space to feel, to emote. So journal, write, blog, song write, call friends. Get in touch with it. It's a PROCESS, a DISCIPLINE, a JOURNEY. My emotions will follow my actions. Foreplay is a picture of this - you can't just rush in, it doesn't work that way. Write how I want to feel. Do some of the things I used to do - spend time with the LORD and let Him open my heart. I was just saying to Heather (who is planning my birthday celebration) that it's so hard to desire in the land where I'm constantly denying my own desires because of...the responsibilities with family, no money, corrupt desires, etc. I've said "no" so much to them (my desires) that I forget to say "yes" or I don't even have a context for them. Part of this process is meant to put to death desires that are not the real me, the new man me. So let them fall off and in your pursuit of the LORD, Dave, continue chasing after what's really in your heart...the stuff God put in there.

I believe there's life ahead. This is why I'm writing this blog.